100% ... most of the time

This period after our home study completion has been an unusual time. For so many weeks and months, we had a to-do list on the fridge of all of the forms we needed to complete and gather. That list is long gone, but we don't have any other "assignments" at the moment and don't know a whole lot about what to expect in our next step. We are just enjoying the Christmas season with plans to start our grant applications after the first of the year. That means there is a lot of time to think ... for someone like me, that is not always the best thing to be doing. I'd rather have some tasks to focus on and some t's that need to be crossed and some i's that need to be dotted. I'm good at those sorts of details. Time to think, for me, means time for doubt and fear to take over.

Not that I doubt we are on the right journey. I can truly say I believe 100% that God has set us on this path to adoption and that there is a little boy, maybe even 2, in Ethiopia who will soon be eating at the very dining room table where I am sitting at the moment. I believe that with all my heart. Here's the thing, though. I don't always believe that 100% of the time. I believe, but I need help with my unbelief.

I've shared on this blog before some of our thoughts and feelings about how incredible this process is and how we are already being abundantly blessed by even being a part of this journey. We are and continue to be, but I have to be honest here. This is also a little bit crazy. Right? Am I the only one who sees this? Surely, someone will back me up on this! Seriously, I find comfort in knowing that what we are doing is not ordinary. Not because we are extraordinary but because that just further proves to me that my God is! He has called us to do something that I know I would not have chosen to do without Him. The fact that I sometimes think we are crazy and that I have fears along the way and that I allow doubt to lead me to the "what ifs" simply shows me that I am, in fact, normal. If I was simply skipping along this road and acting like all was perfect, I would kindly ask that you sit me down and knock some sense into me!

Really, you have my permission. The minute I act like all is under control and smooth sailing is the minute you know I've lost it. The reality is we are incredibly excited and eager to meet our little boy(s). That reality also includes lots of fears and unknowns. We have a lot of money to raise. There will be a day when we get a referral. My understanding is that we will have 7 days to accept that referral, which will include paperwork and a check. The thought of seeing the face of our child for the first time gives me chill bumps, but the thought that we may see that face and not have the check ready makes my stomach turn. I want to say that there is no way around doubts like that, but there is. Bottom line is faith. With faith, we move forward and we anticipate the day we receive our referral and we trust. That's it ... faith, move forward, and trust.

Faith, move forward, and trust, oh my! Faith, move forward, and trust, oh my! Going to keep saying it all the way down the road. I know ... it's kind of crazy. I take that as a compliment!